Disappearing Voice

 

at some point, I lost my voice

or maybe they took it because it wasn’t my choice

at all, I swear!


I used to love my voice

my tone

my cadence

the way it filled the paper with certainty

words flowed like water

swarming my head & down threw my right hand with hints of genius and ease

like magic


I mean, I never shouted from the mountain tops

but I was on my way up there

I was working on it

building the confidence

practicing & perfecting

waiting on the right moment

cuz you know that whole anxiety thing ...

okay, maybe I was just making excuses


damn.

you think that’s why they took it?

was I using it wrong?

abusing it?

I didn’t use it at all

I refused it, honestly


I thought it was just for me

But now that I understand it was bigger,

it’s too late.

It’s really too late?


I still remember what it sounds like

its just that when I open my mouth

nothing happens


I feel the wheels turning in my head

I feel the strain in my throat

the pressure in my diaphragm

I have tons to say

but nothing at all

it’s all built up in me

it’s all stuck

it’s killing me

literally


maybe they didn’t take my voice

maybe I gave it away

too weak to fight for what’s mine

I didn’t deserve it

really, I didn’t

I couldn’t have


but I want it back

it still has to be somewhere, in me

I’m ready for it now

at least I want to be.

JournalAshlee NicoleComment